I Can't
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: Sequel to I Shouldn't. After a few weeks of dating Spencer figures it's time to tell Freddie of his past. WARNING:Slash, Sexual Situations, Self-Harm, Drug Abuse.
1. Chapter 1

I own nothing. **WARNING:** There is sexual situations and self-harm in this chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

"Hey Spencer," Carly said walking into the apartment with Sam.

"Hey Kiddo," I said smiling, "I thought you guys had iCarly rehearsal today. Where's Freddie?"

"I don't know," she said shrugging, "He was at school before it started, but I haven't seen him since."

"Oh," I said trying to hide my worry.

"What's going on between you two?" Sam asked staring at me, "Both of you have been acting weird for a couple of weeks now."

"Guy stuff," I said hoping they'd drop it.

"Fredweird, a guy?" she asked laughing.

"Sam," Carly said rolling her eyes, "We'll be in my room for awhile."

"Have fun," I said waving as they walked upstairs.

Once the girls were upstairs I walked out the front door and stopped at Freddie's. I knocked on the door before I realized that I would need a reason to be coming to see Freddie randomly.

After a few seconds no one answered the door. I was about to go back into my apartment and try Freddie's cell phone when the door opened revealing a tall old man behind it.

"Yes?" the man said calmly.

"I'm looking for Freddie," I said slowly.

"He's locked in his room," the man said sighing, "Are you a friend of his?"

"Yeah," I said nodding, "Is everything alright?"

"Come in," he said opening the door wider, "Since you're a friend of Fredward's I'm guessing you're here to see how he's doing?"

"That's right," I said eyeing the man.

"I'm Fredward's grandfather on his father's side," the man said sitting down on a couch, "We're doing our little family gathering in honor of my son's memory, but Fredward hasn't come out of his room since Marissa went to get him from school."

"Oh," I said looking down.

"He didn't tell you?" he asked confused.

"No," I said shaking my head, "We've never talked about his dad."

"I should have expected that," he said sighing, "How old are you? You seem far too old to know my grandson on a personal level."

"I'm 29," I said honestly, "And Freddie is best friends with my little sister. Since Freddie doesn't really have anyone male in his life I sort of filled that spot by being his friend."

"Maybe you can get him out of his room then," he said standing up and pouring a cup of hot tea, "Lord knows that none of us could. I finally got tired of hearing Marissa and Lily, my wife, knocking and asking for Fredward to come out that I sent them for food. Give this to him while you're in there."

"Sure," I said following back to Freddie's room, "I'll try."

"Good," he said knocking on the door, "Fredward open up. You're friend is here to see you."

When there was no answer I decided that it would be best if I tried to talk to Freddie alone. Freddie's grandfather seemed like the type of guy that would hand me a new one if he knew of Freddie and I dating.

I mentioned my idea to him and was glad when he agreed without questioning me too much. He must have been really worried if he was letting me do this without a thinking of how dangerous it could be.

Looking around I made sure that no one was around before pulling the spare key I had to Freddie's bedroom out of my pocket. After Freddie and I started dating and I found out he was harming himself I convinced him to give me a key to his room.

I opened the door expecting the worst. My eyes slide around the room looking for anything out of place before falling onto Freddie. He was lying on his bed in a thin pair of boxers, his eyes shut tightly and headphones stuck in his ears.

Closing the door behind me I made sure that I locked it tightly before walking quietly to Freddie. I had learned awhile ago that when something was really upsetting Freddie he always started to blast Three Days Grace to wash his thoughts out.

"Freddie," I said resting a hand on his stomach.

Freddie's eyes popped open in shock before a soft, loving smile graced his lips. I could never get over the fact that I was the one making the love and contentment fill his eyes.

"Spencer," Freddie said taking the headphones out, "What are you doing here?"

"You didn't come over when Sam and Carly came home," I said softly, "I was worried."

"I'm sorry," he said resting his hand on mine, "I didn't mean to make you worry. I had actually completely forgot what today was until my mom came and got me from school during third period. I've been locked in here listening to music ever since."

"It's okay," I said leaning down and kissing him gently.

Freddie returned the kiss with excitement. We had only been together for about three weeks, but I found myself becoming addicted to the way that Freddie's lips felt against mine.

I rolled over to my back when I felt his hand pushing me. Freddie straddled my hips and broke the kiss. A wicked smile graced his lips before he moved further down and started to attack my neck.

It wasn't often that Freddie liked to take control like this, but I loved it when he did. I was about to let myself be caught up in the feeling that Freddie was bringing me when I caught sight of his wrist.

Sighing I pushed Freddie away until he was just straddling my waist. He looked at me curiously and pouted slightly. I had to look away for a moment so I wouldn't simply give into him.

"What's up Spencer?" Freddie asked softly, "I know you like when I do that."

"Yeah," I said nodding, "I don't like what I see on your wrist though. You cut yourself again."

"Yeah," he said getting off of the bed and heading to his closet, "It's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" I asked standing up also, "You hurt yourself Freddie. That seems like a pretty big deal to me."

"But it's not," he said shrugging.

"Freddie," I said sighing.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said throwing on a long-sleeved shirt, "Not today Spencer. Please."

"Okay," I said wrapping my arms around his waist, "But we are going to talk about this. I can't stand to see you hurt yourself like that."

"I know," he said cuddling into my chest, "I wish I could stop it and never think about it again. But I can't Spencer. The pain just get's too much and I have to do something to release it."

"Then I'll buy you a punching bag," I said resting my head on his, "I don't care what I have to do as long as you stop hurting yourself."

"I have a better idea," he said pulling away with a smirk.

"What?" I asked confused.

Freddie shook his head before pushing me into the wall. His lips attached to mine in a desperate fashion. My hands gripped onto his hips as I pushed the feelings back to him.

Pushing myself toward him I moved us around until we were both laying on the bed once more. Freddie's shirt was unbuttoned letting me see his chest. I loved Freddie's chest.

His oversensitive nipples made it so that I could have him moaning and screaming if I played with them a lot. And I knew that Freddie loved biting and sucking on my neck, which I loved just as much.

I moved my hands down until I was squeezing Freddie's butt. A soft moan slipped from his lips and I smirked the best I could into the kiss. That was a sound I could not live without hearing.

There were times when Freddie was as loud as loud could be when we were having sex, but other times he was as quiet as a mouse. I never really understood why it was, but I was hoping that today was going to be a quiet day.

Slipping my hands under Freddie's boxers I threw them to the other side of the room and broke the kiss. Freddie's mouth instantly went to my throat to mark me as his own.

I let my eyes slip shut and a soft moan fall from my lips as Freddie bit roughly on a particularly sensitive part of my throat. He continued to play with that spot until I was ready to start screaming myself.

"Freddie," I said forcing myself to be quiet, "Stop."

"But you love it," Freddie said innocently.

"You have no idea," I said as he went back to sucking on that part.

As much as I wanted to stop Freddie again I was finding my strength slowly slipping from me. The feeling of Freddie's lips were causing a deep, dark fog to roll into my brain.

"If you want to scream," Freddie whispered into my ear, "Then scream."

When Freddie said the last part of his sentence he pushed his hand inside of my jeans and boxers and gave my shaft a squeeze before moving his hand as quickly as he could.

I felt the scream leave my lips, but I couldn't make out what I was saying. Freddie's hand tightened around me as I felt myself starting to cum. My eyes opened slightly just in time to hear a knock on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing! **WARNING:** Drug abuse.

* * *

"Fredward," Grandpa Norman said knocking on the door again, "What was that?"

"Spencer fell and spilt the tea on his lap," I said back to him, "Don't worry. We'll be out in a few minutes."

"Okay," he said suspiciously.

I heard Grandpa walk down the hall and once I was sure he was far enough away I looked down at Spencer. I loved the way Spencer looked post-orgasm. His flushed face with sweat glistening.

Spencer smiled up at me and kissed me gently. I broke the kiss and gently rested myself on him. His arms wrapped around my hips and held me to him. Letting out a sigh I let my eyes slip shut.

As much as I loved being with Spencer sexually this was my favorite part. Listening to his heartbeat made me stop thinking for awhile. It was the only time that I actually felt at peace.

Spencer seemed to have a hold of my emotions when I was near him. He could make me go from depressed to happy in seconds flat. He was the only person that I trusted when he told me he loved me.

"We should go out there," Spencer said running a hand through my hair.

"I know," I said snuggling closer.

"Come on," he said laughing, "I'll convince you mom to let you come over for a guys night."

"Awesome," I said looking up at him.

"But we're going to talk," he said as I got up.

"We have to," I said sighing and slipping on a pair of boxers.

"Freddie," he said standing up and wrapping an arm around my waist, "I love you. I know it's going to take some time before you're going to stop doing this to yourself, but I'm not giving up until I'm sure you won't."

"You don't understand Spencer," I said pulling away, "It's like an addiction."

"Did I ever tell you the story of my senior year in high school?" he asked calmly.

"No," I said shaking my head, "I don't think you've ever talked about your senior year."

"That's because I try to forget it," he said shrugging, "You see, there was a new guy at school and I was the first person to start talking with him. We instantly hit it off because we were both a little weird. The second week after I met him he invited me to stay over at his house for the night. I was there for about an hour before he brought out a needle. Filled with Heroin. I didn't know what to do, but he said that he'd been doing it for years and that nothing bad ever happened. So I tried it."

"You've done drugs?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah," he said sitting down on my bed, "A few different ones, but I always went back to Heroin in the end."

"What happened?" I asked sitting next to him.

"The Colonel found out about five months after I started," he said running a hand through his hair, "He didn't know what was going on with me, but I wasn't myself. Even Carly noticed how sick I looked and she was only five or six at the time. Anyway, the Colonel and I got in a huge fight. One that turned physical quickly. I wasn't that strong, but I was high at the time so I held my own for a few moments.

The Colonel pinned me to the wall and asked what was wrong with me. At this point I didn't care what was happening and I told him that my high was wearing off. He was shocked to say the less. His gripped softened enough for me to break free and run. I ran to my friends house, which was about thirty minutes away. I got there and stayed there until his mom got home.

Before I left though he gave me the last of his stash with the idea of meeting me at the park later that night. I waited an hour before I couldn't take it anymore. He had always been the one to fill the needle. I didn't know what I was doing and filled too much. The next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital with the Colonel standing over me. It was the only time I remember seeing him with tears in his eyes.

As it turned out my friend had found me in the park not long after that. The doctor said it was lucky. If he had come even a few minutes later I would have died from an overdose. He told the Colonel that he was the one to blame and that he had found a good place to help us get over our addictions. The Colonel was upset, but he realized that my friend was just as sick as I was.

We went to rehab and got past it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of Heroin. I know it's hard to get past an addition, but you can. If you have the right people helping you though it."

"Wow," I said after hearing the story, "Wait, who was the friend?"

"Oh," he said smiling slightly, "It's Socko."

I stared at Spencer in surprise. I never expected for him to tell me a story like that and I could tell that he wasn't lying. Spencer wasn't a good liar normally, but he said that it was even harder to lie to me.

The idea that Spencer was a drug addict just a few years before I got to know him was a scary thought. I had always seen him as being a sort of A.D.D. artist like he had been since I've met him.

Then there was Socko. Spencer and him were best friends and had gone through so much together. They had been in rehab together and I had never even met his best friend.

"Wait," I said a thought coming to mind, "Does Carly know?"

"No," Spencer said quickly, "And she can't. That's the deal the Colonel and I had. Carly can never know about that time in my life and I can be her guardian."

"You used a needle?" I asked kneeling in front of him.

"Yes," he said nodding.

"Does that leave a mark?" I said cocking my head to the side.

"Yeah," he said sighing.

I watched Spencer motion for me to move before standing up and pulling off his shirt. Whenever Spencer didn't have a shirt on I never really paid any attention to anything but his stomach.

"Come here," Spencer said holding his hand out to me.

Shakily I placed my hand in his and watched as he placed it on the crook of his elbow. My eyes widened when I felt some marks. I didn't think there would be as many as I was feeling.

"Spencer," I said looking into his eyes.

"It's alright," Spencer said smiling, "I can handle it now."

"Do you still want to?" I asked biting my lip.

"Yes," he said running a hand through his hair, "I miss the feeling."

"How do you do it?" I said softly.

"I have my artwork," he said placing a hand on the side of my face, "And I have you now."

"It must still be hard," I said squeezing his hand.

"You're right Freddie," he said sighing, "It's hard and whenever I'm with Socko I have to fight not to ask if he wants to go get some, but I can fight it. I have reasons to fight it now."

"What reasons?" I said pulling away, "No one even knows about us."

"I know," he said calmly, "But that doesn't mean I care about you any less. I love you Freddie and I'd pick you over Heroin any day."

"How could you give up something that made you feel so good though?" I asked turning away and looking into the mirror that hung on the door, "I want to give up cutting, but it calls me whenever I try."

"I saw how sick I was," he said walking up behind me, "Whenever I looked into a mirror I saw someone else. Freddie, I barely ate during that time. I weighed less then Sam when she was thirteen. You could count my bones through my skin and clothes."

"But you stopped yourself," I said crossing my arms.

"No," he said placing his hands on my shoulders, "Socko stopped me. I didn't want to stop. I refused to stop at first."

"How'd he get you to stop?" I asked curiously.

Spencer sighed and turned away from me. Through the mirror I saw him put his shirt back on dejectedly. I hadn't realized that this might have been difficult for him to talk about.

I wanted to say something to make him feel better, but I had no idea what I was supposed to say. Spencer was the strong one out of the two of us. I couldn't think of how to make things better.

"Carly," Spencer said a few minutes later, "He brought Carly to see me in the hospital. She started to cry when she saw me. He told me that I wasn't going to see her again if I didn't stop. That I would be kicked out if I didn't stop and that I couldn't go live with him. I had to choose. Pick drugs or my family."

"You picked family," I said nodding.

"Not at first," he said softly, "I couldn't choose. I thought that they were being unfair making me choose. When I got out of the hospital I still hadn't chosen. The Colonel gave me fifty dollars and a backpack of my clothes. I took it and left."

"You left?" I asked surprised.

"I did," he said sighing, "And I was living on the streets, doing basically anything just to get another hit."

"What did you do in the end?" I said confused.

Spencer turned back to me and smiled happily. I could see that even though it's been years that he was still fighting though the emotions and want that comes with having an addiction.

"I came home," Spencer said kissing me.


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing. **WARNING:** Drug abuse.

* * *

"Spencer," Freddie said intertwining our hand, "Will you tell me more?"

"We'll talk later," I said kissing him softly, "Ready to go out there?"

"No," he said sighing, "Let's go before my mom calls the cops."

I laughed slightly and walked out of his room stiffly. My pants were beginning to dry and stiffen. I hoped it wasn't going to take long to talk to Mrs. Benson about Freddie spending the night.

Freddie was walking in front of me and it was taking all of my will power not to watch his hips sway as he walked. It wasn't until lately that I started to really notice how much time I had spent following him with my eyes.

"Freddie," Mrs. Benson said throwing her arms around him, "I was so worried."

"I'm fine Mom," Freddie said patting her back slightly, "Spencer said that you and Grandma were knocking on my door for awhile. I'm sorry. I was listening to music and couldn't hear anything."

"What if there had been a fire?" she asked getting hysterical, "What if there was a burglar? You wouldn't know because of that music!"

"Mrs. Benson," I said calmly, "I think we should just be happy that Freddie isn't hurt."

"You're right," she said sighing, "Thank you Spencer."

"No problem," I said smiling.

Mrs. Benson looked down at Freddie again. I knew that she was an amazing mother, she could just be a little overpowering if you aren't ready or used to her when she went off.

"Mom," Freddie said softly, "Can I spend that night at Spencer's?"

"I don't know," Mrs. Benson said eyeing me, "Maybe you should stay here tonight."

"Mom," he said sadly, "Please, I just want to spend a little time alone with Spencer. I know it's hard to picture, but Spencer is a good friend and a good person. We're just going to do little things, watch movies, eat, probably paint or sculpt, and then sleep."

"Alright," she said smiling softly, "Go get some things packed, Freddie and you'll meet Spencer over there. Spencer you really need to take a shower and change your pants."

"Yeah," I said blushing, "Had a klutzy moment and spilt tea on myself. See you soon Freddie. Thanks Mrs. Benson."

I walked out of the Benson apartment and into mine before sighing gratefully. The idea of what was coming tonight made my stomach do flips. I wasn't looking forward to telling Freddie about that time of my life.

It wasn't all bad though. During that time I realized how much I loved doing artwork. I also realized that I liked guys. Well, it was when I came to terms with like guys.

Checking my watch I saw that I had at least ten minutes before Freddie would be over for my shower. As I stripped I thought more about how things might have been bad, but in the end I wouldn't go back and change anything.

I took the shower as quickly as I could and changed into something simple that I knew Freddie loved. In these few weeks I tried not to over think things that were happening.

Once I started to think too much I knew that I would try to break it off with Freddie. That was the last thing I wanted to do though. It wouldn't end well for either of us.

"Spencer," Freddie said walking in the apartment, "Where are Sam and Carly?"

"Upstairs," I said softly.

"Too bad," he said sighing, "It would have been more fun if they weren't here."

"We have time for that later," I said smirking, "Why don't you put your things in my room and I'll get rid of them for the night?"

"I like that plan," he said going into my room.

I walked upstairs and into the iCarly studio. Sam and Carly were sitting on the beanbag chairs talking. With a smile I walked up to them and jumped over Carly's legs dramatically.

"Socko is coming over," I said calmly, "And I was hoping…"

"That I would stay over at Sam's," Carly said smiling.

"Exactly," I said laughing.

"Sure," she said nodding.

"Why can't you just stay up here?" Sam asked cocking an eyebrow.

"I don't know," Carly said shrugging, "Spencer always asks me to leave when Socko comes over though. I don't think I've ever met him.'

I kept my mouth shut when she said that. She had met him once and Socko decided that with the agreement the Colonel and I had going on that he would stay away from Carly to make sure she didn't remember something small.

"Let's go Sam," Carly said standing up, "I'll pack some things for tonight."

"Thanks," I said hugging her tightly, "I'll be in my room."

"Okay," she said waving as I went downstairs.

Going into my room I closed and locked the door behind me. Freddie was sitting on my bed smiling happily. I pecked him on the cheek before pulling my cell phone out sighing.

"You want to know the full story, right?" I said staring at my phone.

"Yes," Freddie said nodding.

"I have to call Socko then," I said calmly.

"Why?" he asked confused.

"I don't remember all of it," I said sending the txt to Socko.

"Oh," he said looking away.

I looked at Freddie and shook my head. This story was going to change a lot between us, but I was hoping for the better. I might not want to change what I've done because it made who I am now, but that didn't mean I was proud of it.

Hearing the door open I close I knew that Carly and Sam left. Sighing I walked out of my room and hoped that Freddie was going to follow me. I loved Freddie and I knew he needed to know this about me.

"Spencer," Freddie said softly, "Help me."

I turned back to Freddie and saw that he had taken off his shirt so we could see his wrists. The cuts on his wrist made my heartache and I knew I could never get that image out of my mind.

With a smile I walked up to him and took his wrist in my hand. I ran my fingers gently over the cuts. I hated the feeling of them so much. I had to find a way to get Freddie to stop wanting to cut.

"This," I said kissing the cuts gently, "We'll make this stop. Everything will be okay."

"I love you," Freddie said wrapping his arms around my neck, "I love you so much."

"I love you too," I said kissing him gently, "I'm not leaving you, okay? I'm never going to leave you."

"You better not," he said before kissing me again.

I deepened the kiss and pulled Freddie flush against me. His fingers threaded through my hair and moaned softly. One of my hands were on his hip while the other was on the small of his back.

"Wow," a voice said behind me.

Breaking the kiss I turned around in shock and saw Socko standing there. I let out a soft sigh and glared slightly at Socko. There were times that I hated how sneaky and quiet he could be.

"I'm making you a cowbell necklace for your birthday," I said going to the door and locking it.

"Could have warned me," Socko said grinning, "You're Freddie, right?"

"Yeah," Freddie said shakily.

"Don't worry about him," I said going into the kitchen, "He knows."

"Please," Socko said laughing, "I'm the one that got you to admit it to yourself."

"You guys want anything?" I asked rolling my eyes.

"Vodka," Socko yelled excitedly.

"No," I yelled back with a smile.

"Beer?" he asked pouting slightly.

"Beer," I said pulling out a beer for him, "What about you Freddie?"

"Umm," Freddie said looking at the beer in my hand.

"No," I said putting the beer back, "Not a chance. With everything that we're going to be talking about tonight I shouldn't have even thought about alcohol."

"Spencer," Socko said calmly.

"No," I said glaring at him.

Socko walked into the kitchen and stood in front of me. He glared at me and took two beers out of the fridge. I grabbed his arm and took the beers out of his hands roughly. Alcohol was one of the few times that we clashed.

"It's just one bottle," Socko said softly.

"I don't care," I said calmly, "You know how I feel about this crap."

"Then why do you have them?" he asked as I went to put them back in the fridge.

I froze when I heard him say that. Looking down at the beers I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Socko knew exactly what to say to make me want to go off the deep end.

"Freddie," Socko said not looking away from me, "You might want to come in here."


	4. Chapter 4

I own nothing. **WARNING: Drug, sex, and self-harm.** Enjoy!

* * *

"What all have you heard about Freddie?" Socko asked quietly.

"Just the Heroin," I said confused.

"Have you ever been high?" he said smiling, "It's the most amazing feeling. At first. Then it starts to fade and all you're left with is a huge mess. You're emotions are thrown everywhere and no matter how hard you try you can't think clearly. So you take another hit and another. Before long the only thing that matters is where you're next hit is coming from."

"You do things you regret," Spencer said placing the bottles in the sink, "But at that moment none of it matters. You have what you want and you take it greedily already thinking of the next place for your next hit."

I stared at Spencer and watched him deflate. I could tell that he was terrified of what this was going to do to my feelings toward him. I still loved him with all my heart though.

Walking behind Spencer I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my head on his back. Spencer turned around and pulled me into a tight hug. His face was buried into my hair and sighed softly.

"You don't think when you're high," Socko said leaning against the counter, "All you do is feel. So many different feelings at once and all you want is to feel happiness and pleasure."

"Did you two?" I asked softly.

"Yes," Spencer said tightening his grip on me, "It was a long time ago Freddie."

"We don't have feelings for each other," Socko said calmly, "We just used each other because we were there."

"Okay," I said nodding.

I didn't know what I was supposed to do with all this information. It wasn't that I had expected Spencer to never have been with another person, I was just so confused with how Spencer could keep all of this to himself for years.

"Can I ask a question?" Socko said looking at me, "Why do you want to know this?"

"Socko," Spencer said pulling away from me.

"It's okay," I said biting my lip, "I'm not addicted to drugs if that's what you're thinking."

"Then what are you addicted to?" Socko asked cocking an eyebrow.

"I hurt myself," I said looking at the floor, "Every time I try to stop I can't."

"Spencer thought this story would help you," he said nodding, "Alright, you need to understand that Spencer and I try to stay away from almost everything that we did back then. Alcohol is one of them."

"Alcohol?" I asked confused.

"When the high was starting to wear off we'd sneak into his mom's alcohol and get drunk," Spencer said sighing.

"But you yelled for vodka," I said pointing at Socko.

"Yeah," Socko said sighing, "I decided that we had to get past it, but we also had to be reminded of it. Every time he asked what I was to drink I say vodka."

"You were willing to have a beer though," I said slowly.

"Spencer wasn't going to let me have a beer whether you were here or not," he said smiling, "He wasn't thinking when he got them out. I actually don't know why he has them though."

"I got them last month," Spencer said looking at the bottles, "I don't know why I got them either. I just bought them and I haven't gotten rid of them."

"Will you get rid of them?" I asked hopeful.

Spencer looked down at me and into my eyes. I wanted to see that it was a simple answer, but his eyes held hesitance. I was about to fully turn away from him when he nodded his head slowly.

"Yeah," Spencer said softly, "I'll get rid of them. If you give me the razor you packed in your bag."

"How?" I asked my eyes wide.

"I know addictions," he said shrugging, "I also know you. That razor is your safety net right now and I know you have more. Give me your razor and I'll empty all the alcohol in this place down the drain."

Shakily I walked over to my bag and picked it up. I went back into the kitchen and rested it on the counter. Opening it up I reached in looking for the razor slowly. I wasn't sure if I could do this.

Once I had the razor in my hand I realized how heavy it felt in my hand. With a deep breath I tugged my hand out of my bag. My hand was in a tight fist and I could feel the blade start to cut into my palm.

"Open your hand," Spencer said soothingly.

Spencer gently place his hand over my and coaxed my hand into opening. When he got the razor out of my hand he threw it to Socko who put it in his wallet. I couldn't get it there even if I tried.

I felt my hand gently be lifted and I looked up at Spencer. He was staring intently at the shallow cut on my palm. His lips touched it gently before he turned around to the sink.

"Socko," Spencer said calmly, "Under the bed in my room."

Socko nodded his head and walked into Spencer's room. I watched intently as Spencer pulled the bottles of beer out of the fridge. Socko came back with a bottle of vodka and placed it next to the beer.

Spencer looked at the bottles and took a deep breath. He opened the beers first and dumped them quickly. Then he got to the vodka. He stared at it for a few minutes before turning back to me.

A soft sigh slipped from his lips as he turned back around and opened the bottle. His eyes followed the liquid as it was poured down the drain. It looked like it was as difficult to pour the vodka out as it was for me to give up the razor.

"There," Spencer said dropping the bottle.

I turned Spencer towards me and hugged him tightly. Spencer pulled back and kissed me softly. Threading my hands in his hair I brought him closer before letting him go.

"I love you Spencer," I said smiling, "I love you so much. I'm not leaving."

"I know," Spencer said kissing my forehead, "And everything will be okay. We're going to figure everything out. This is going to stop."

Spencer had tugged a sleeve of my shirt up and was gently rubbing his thumb across one of the cuts. I looked away from my wrist and up at Socko. His eyes were trained on my wrist.

Blushing I tried to pull away from Spencer, but he used his strength to keep me still. Looking at Spencer's face I saw that his eyes were closed and silent tears were falling down his face.

"Spencer?" I asked confused.

"When did you first start?" Spencer said not looking up.

"Four years ago," I said softly.

"Why?" he said bring me closer to him.

"I thought it would help," I said shrugging, "I know it's not a good reason, but my mom wanted me to be the perfect child, I thought I loved Carly and could never have her, Sam was always making me feel like I was nothing, and you…"

"Me?" he asked looking up finally.

"I didn't mean anything to you," I said unable to look from the hurt in his eyes, "I wanted you to notice me and I didn't know why."

"I'm sorry," he said running a hand through my hair, "I'm sorry I ever made you feel that Freddie. I just…I couldn't."

"I know," I said hugging him, "I know Spencer."

Spencer pulled away from me and walked into the living room. I watched him pace back and forth for a few minutes before he fell onto the chair and buried his head in his hands.

"Freddie," Socko said slowly, "Did Spencer tell you that he relapsed?"

"No," I said shaking my head.

"It was four years ago," he said sighing, "That's why he usually was over at my place. I refused to let him leave if he was high."

"And I always went to him when I was," Spencer muttered looking at me, "I can't tell you the times that I tried to get away from him because I wanted to come back here. To see you."

"See me?" I asked confused.

"Yeah," Socko said directing me into the living room, "I told you that I was the one that made me realize that he was in love with you. It was because of that."

"I wouldn't admit it," Spencer said shrugging, "I wouldn't admit how much I wanted you when I saw you. You were so young and innocent."

"So you got high to forget?" I asked biting my lip.

"Yes," he said standing up, "It didn't work though. It made everything more real. I ran to Socko just so you wouldn't see me like that."

"He put a few new holes in my walls during that time," Socko said pushing Spencer slightly, "Then I suggested that he loved you."

"I punched him as hard as I could," Spencer said shaking his head, "I almost broke his jaw."

"How'd you stop?" I asked cocking my head to the side.

"I don't know," he said grabbing my hands, "Once I admitted to myself that it was possible that I loved you I knew I had to get clean again. I wanted you to love me."

"I do," I said kissing him, "I do love you."


	5. Chapter 5

I own nothing. **LAST CHAPTER! **Enjoy!

* * *

"See you later Spencer," Socko said waving, "Have fun with Freddie."

"Leave," I said laughing.

Socko shut the door behind him and I turned to Freddie. We had spent the last hour talking about when I was addicted to Heroin. I could see in Freddie's eyes that he was worried about me having another relapse.

With a smile I sat on the couch and motioned for Freddie to join me. He nodded shyly and cuddled into my chest. Placing a kiss to the top of his head I waited until he started to talk.

"I have to stop," Freddie said playing with the string on my pajama pants.

"You do," I said calmly.

"Will you help me?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course," I said smiling.

"Good," he said his eyes closing slowly.

"Come on," I said lifting him up, "Let's go to bed."

Freddie wrapped his arms around my neck and let me carry him into my room. I placed him gently on my bed. He smiled widely at me and slipped out of his shirt and pants.

I looked down at Freddie and smiled at the beauty I saw. Freddie was beginning to develop his muscles. His chest and arms were flat, but I could see the muscles flexing slightly.

Then my eyes landed on the cuts and scars. I didn't know what I was going to do to help Freddie, but I knew I had to. There was no way that I could leave Freddie now that I knew he felt the same.

"Sleep," I said pulling my shirt off, "Nothing else."

"No fun," Freddie laughed as I got in bed.

"You're in my bed," I said bringing him closer to me, "I think that's fun enough for now."

Freddie cuddled into me and kissed my neck gently. I sighed contently and relished in the warmth that was coming off of him. My grip on him was a little tight, but I could tell he didn't mind.

"Night Spencer," Freddie said softly, "I love you."

"I love you too," I said my eyes slipping shut.

It didn't take long before I fell asleep myself. I woke up the next morning to a loud scream. Jumping up I looked toward the door and saw Carly standing there with Sam.

"Carly," I said calmly.

"What are you doing?" Carly yelled pointing at me.

"Stop yelling," I said getting out of bed.

"Spencer," Freddie said staring at me.

"Get dressed," I said sighing, "We need to talk. All of us."

Freddie nodded and looked at his shirt. I was confused at first until I noticed that his arms were being covered by the blanket. I smiled sadly and got his shirt before standing in front of him so he could slip it on.

"Come on," I said tugging my shirt on, "We really need to talk."

"Why were you in bed together?" Carly asked close to yelling again.

"Carly," I said standing in front of her, "I'm gay."

"Okay," she said her eyes growing wide, "You two are dating?"

"Yeah," Freddie said blushing.

"He's sixteen," she said throwing her arms up, "It's illegal."

"I know," I said nodding.

"I love him, Carly," Freddie said walking closer to her, "I know that we're years apart, but…I love him so much."

"You love him?" Carly said biting her lip.

"Yes," he said quickly, "Please, I know it's wrong. I can't help it though. He's the only person that makes me feel like I matter. He makes me feel loved."

"Freddie," she said hugged him, "Okay. You two are dating."

I let out a soft sigh. That didn't go as bad as I thought it would at first. Carly might not be fully okay with us dating, but she wasn't going to try to break us apart either.

"Thought we had no secrets," Sam said punching Freddie gently, "So, Freddie and Spencer are dating."

"Yup," I said nodding.

"Cool," she said calmly, "Got any fried chicken."

"Sam," Carly said rolling her eyes.

I grinned at Freddie. It seemed like things were going back to normal for the most part. Freddie motioned for me to come with him. I nodded my head and followed him out of the apartment.

"My mom should be at work and my grandparents are gone," Freddie said staring at the door.

"Okay," I said confused.

"I think…I need to get rid of them," he said looking at me.

"Alright," I said hugging him, "Let's go."

Freddie took a deep breath and opened the door. We waited a moment to see if his mom would come and see us. When she didn't we went into his bed room and locked the door behind us.

He started to go through his room and throw razors on his bed. I tried not to show my shock at how many there were. I could remember a time when I had hidden things everywhere in my room.

Once he was done he stood in front of the razors and stared at them. I took a deep breath and started to pick them up. He watched them disappear until the last one was in my pocket.

"Where are you taking them?" Freddie asked softly.

"You're going to throw them out," I said leading him out of the apartment and down the stairs.

"I am?" he said confused.

"You can't get past this if I'm the one to do it," I said calmly.

"I can't," he said shaking his head.

"You can," I said hugging him, "I promise it will get easier Freddie. Just let me help you."

Freddie and I stopped in front of the dumpster. He stared at me before shakily offering an empty hand. I took a razor out of my pocket and placed it down gently in his palm.

We continued doing this one razor at a time. I didn't think that it would have the same affect if he threw them away all at the same time. It didn't get any easier as he threw them away.

"There," Freddie said sadly, "They're gone."

"Good," I said hugging them.

"What happens now?" he asked resting his head on my chest.

"You heal," I said touching his wrist, "And everything gets better."

"What happens if I can't get better?" he said as we walked back to my apartment.

"Don't think like that," I said kissing his forehead, "Everything will be fine. You will be fine."

"And with you?" he said squeezing my hand.

"As long as you want me I'll be with you," I said smiling, "You're not going to get rid of me easily Freddie."

"Good," he said laughing.

We walked into my apartment and saw Carly and Sam sitting in the kitchen. I smiled happily at Freddie and walked into the kitchen with him. Freddie sat down while I got a drink for the two of us.

Freddie laughed loudly at something Carly said. I smiled at him knowing that this was the right thing. Freddie and I were both happy and both girls were okay with what was happening.

I knew that I wasn't going to tell Mrs. Benson what was going on between the two of us. She had to believe that Freddie and I got together when he was eighteen. And until then we had to be careful.

"So now that you're officially off the market," Sam said looking at me, "Maybe my mom will stop trying."

"Nah," Carly said shaking her head.

"Tell her he's gay," Freddie said smiling.

"I don't think that will work either," Sam said rolling her eyes.

"Your mom is insane," Carly said laughing.

"As long as she's not dating me," I said placing the drink in front of Freddie, "That would be awkward."

"How long have you known you were gay anyway?" Carly asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Sixteen," I said calmly.

"You never told me," she said sadly.

"Never told anyone but Socko," I said hugging her, "Don't worry though Kiddo. You know now and that's all that matters."

"Right," she said smiling.

"So," Sam said smirking, "Is Freddie a screamer?"

"Sam," Carly said as I laughed.

"You'll never know," Freddie said blushing.

"Is that a bet?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.


End file.
